Saturday, July 4, 2015

<p>Sitting beside you last night makes me feel like things really fit. I am surprised to find myself liking the moment of talking with you, whereas before I would be contented by simply staring at you. Oggling&hellip;in secret. Seeing you stretch and flex those arms does me wonders but getting inside of your head as I listen to your low replies to my good for nothing questions surprisingly ingrains more. Idle moments during our short conversation would make us both break into a hum or a tune which surprisingly isn&rsquo;t awkward as you take your time to compose your thoughts and I watch your face in deep thought. Surprisingly up close you don&rsquo;t make direct eye contact whereas from across the hall you would tease me, shock me and fuck me with those devil eyes. You and your intense stare which simply has it&rsquo;s ways to find me and lock me in those deep brown eyes. But that electric vibe in the air present last night: I&rsquo;ve come to know that it isn&rsquo;t just me. It cannot be just me.</p> Sitting beside you last night makes me feel like things really fit. I am surprised to find myself liking the moment of talking with you, whereas before I would be contented by simply staring at you. Oggling&hellip;in secret. Seeing you stretch and flex those arms does me wonders but getting inside of your head as I listen to your low replies to my good for nothing questions surprisingly ingrains more. Idle moments during our short conversation would make us both break into a hum or a tune which surprisingly isn&rsquo;t awkward as you take your time to compose your thoughts and I watch your face in deep thought. Surprisingly up close you don&rsquo;t make direct eye contact whereas from across the hall you would tease me, shock me and fuck me with those devil eyes. You and your intense stare which simply has it&rsquo;s ways to find me and lock me in those deep brown eyes. But that electric vibe in the air present last night: I&rsquo;ve come to know that it isn&rsquo;t just me. It cannot be just me.</p>

Sunday, June 14, 2015

what did I do to deserve this.



3am, way past my bed time, I am sleepy too but I'm afraid to close my eyes. Since Friday when that unexpected moment happened where I got to hang out alone with you, since then... I cannot stop dreaming of you. I absolutely despise it! I mean, it's already bad enough that I think of you all the time. I feel like I deserve to skip the torture of dreaming of the state of things that we could be. I hate that I see it vividly, I hear your voice saying my name and your arrogant ass is there like you're not going away. The part I hate the most is waking up, shocked that I dreamt of you again, sad that it will never happen.

prom

PROM

Just for tonight I wish to be yours
I want you to hold me and don’t let go

Just for tonight I wish to be in your arms
Just be secured right by your side

Just tonight I want you to be with me
Focused your attention on me and leave the world be


Just for tonight I wanna feel what its like to dance with you to
Look into your eyes while we drift slowly

.....


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

STOP!

Wake up to the morning sun
forget the past and start from one
relinquish not, memories from way back
Yes, going further leads you off track

STOP!

Turn around come back to me
dont let our love be a memory

scarred from the battle we fought
as to loving became a second thought

barred from understanding what's in front of us
we struggle for answers
were still at lost

round we go along with the beat
as we survive through cold and heat
walking 'til were strangers to who we are
time has taken us too far

so STOP!
I changed my mind
just give me back my heart

MMR 2012

Sunday, May 24, 2015

McKinley Hill

I promised myself I'd make my blog more informative than how it is now, I was thinking of a way that I could be of help to people and what better way than to help first time commuters get directions to McKinley Hill.

Situated along Lawton Avenue, McKinley Hill is a bit tricky to get to for first timers as there are a lot of right turns that people may encounter along the way (if you're coming from the West that is). There are two modes of public transpo that could get you to Mc. First is my default way of getting there the UV express van! I have always taken the  van from Magallanes terminal. The entrance is now situated inside the condo unit and you have to walk along Chino Roces just before Wilcon Depot. You pay 25 pesos for the fare and from there it'll take you directly to Mc. The first stop would be One World establishments around it are McDonalds, Yellow Cab and PNB. The next stop would be just before Venice Piazza then at the back of Venice Piazza near Enderun and last would be the terminal at Tanduay Stadium. The other terminal near my location is the one along MRT Ayala, from the entrance (on the MRT side) the vans going to McKinley is at the front most and has the FTI signage. It would pass through Forbes and San Antonio Village via McKinley Road as oppose to Mantrade-Chino Roces Extension from the former. trips

The mode I take on my way home (from McKinley to Pasay) is normally the jeepney. It has a terminal at McKinely West for jeepneys for those enroute to Gate Three and the Guada jeeps are parked along Lawton. You can either go via 'Gate Three Direstso' which will take you to Gate Three plaza and from there I walk up the bridge and take the jeepneys which bears the 'Heritage' sign board. The Guadalupe jeepneys drops you off at the Guadalupe terminal and from there, there would be jeepneys of either San Andres or Taft Herran.

I live along Vito Cruz and if you're a first time commuter to McKinley I suggest you ride the van cause it';s easier and more efficient. I promise to take photos to give you guys a clearer depth of things :)


Monday, April 20, 2015


empty and wallow
lost in the shadow
into the meadow

dark mountains
floral fountains
hazy mind-state

rougher winds
broken strings
stay adrift

--MMR 2015

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Another 2am moment

I was passing by a graveyard at 2 am yesterday, Saturday 3rd of April. And I could smell death, like he was following me around. It wasn't foul. If I were to describe it, it pretty much is scented like those of flowers with decay.  I looked at my watch and saw that it was 2:13 AM and I asked myself what am I doing wandering around at this time again. I answered myself with the obvious that I was out for a midnight run but beyond that I am embarking on another experience for the first time. At 2 am I found myself wandering again. I don't know if it's coincidence or not but these 2 am moments really gets me. It calms my soul. I cannot wait for the next one again.

Contradictions

I want you to know me
but then I don't
I want you to want me
I can't look at your eyes for long
but I hate it when you're not looking
I like you for all the wrong reasons
and hate you for all the right ones
I like you
You don't feel the same
Plain simple

--MMR2015

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Z: how r u?
M: I'm ok.
Z: What's up? You're not ok
M: *bewildered* How did you know?
Z: it shows in your eyes

... and here I thought people can't tell

Monday, March 30, 2015

and for a moment there I forgot my issues only to have it slap me in the face. excuse the drama. fuck my family issues.

oh what luck

lucky are those who don't have the need to get away and runaway
lucky are those who are already living their life and not just getting by.
lucky are those who do not need to hide the pain because either they can feel it or they don't have it.
lucky are those who in the arms of their love one who loves them back.
lucky are those who have found the happiness in one another.
lucky are those who have someone to listen and not judge them.
lucky are those who are able to give their all and throw everything at life because they are brave enough
and lucky are those who don't rely on luck
because it doesn't exist, because you merely create it else the universe conspires it.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

INK




















this has always been therapeutic ,didn't realize how much I've accumulated over the months at my desk :D

forever alone lvl Maureen

picture this: You are in the middle of the cinema watching a love story with everybody around you are literally in each others' arms... what would you do?

for the 8000th time in my life I am going through this ordeal and damn do I never ever learn to avoid it. I keep on beating myself up after but never learned to digress. I was forced to freeze there and shake on my own because that damn cinema is really too cold for comfort whilst it brought out many feels when I realized that I am literally and figuratively in the middle of that situation. Being single since literally my entire life has had it's up and down. Often the questions/ judgement thrown at me are "siguro pihikan ka?" "mataas siguro standards mo?" situations at which I only return a smile at them because I am fucking tired of answering shitty questions like that because I know that I do not owe anyone an explanation. On the brighter side of things I handle my own time, I can go here and there without having to worry about anyone's approval but myself and my parents(which doesn't really weigh much anymore since they practically allow me to do anything anyway).

Last week I've randomly discussed with my best friend AJ at how I might come of as intimidating at times that's why I am still single. And so I wonder how I could change that but then naisip ko if I like the person I am meeting for the first time kahit sino pa yan I make sure that I make them feel comfortable around me, that they are welcome to talk to me and possibly be my friend. My friend replied with a message that goes like this 'you are you. fuck them you don't have to change yourself for someone to like you' -- and you know what? I actually believe that.
I am always striving to be the best person I can be. I am at all times striving to be honest, trustworthy, kind loyal and honest as I can be, promise I really am.



I have been changing myself,  I have been trying my best to be active, whereas before when I used to not have plans and spend my weekdays lazing around my bed. Now I don't even have vacant weeks to spend with some of my friends. I have been exercising, investing time and money on my health. I have plans to run a marathon, buy a bike, improve my gym equipment at home. I have been improving on my craft, I have been practicing my painting, my drawing, my photography and even my ad designing capabilities.

I have been trying to improve at work, applying for promotion and stuff.

I used to love wallowing around my misery now I have trained my mind to think about how my day has been and how good the Lord is for blessing me with strength to do everything I want. I have plans to go canyoneering in Cebu in September, climb another mountain in March, go to the beach in April and all of which is for my betterment.


I mean come on! WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??
right?


I wouldn't deny being on the other side of the mob for once. I wouldn't mind being double :P sana I'll get luckier this 2015 :D



the Blackboard and the Pencil


Yesterday the blackboard caught the Mongol pencil turning to take a good look at her.
Today the blackboard looked so hard for the Mongol pencil but he turned grey.
The blackboard wanted so much to be closed with the pencil but she knew that it's never possible
For scratching the board with led will make a eerie screeching sound that's hard for everyone's' ear.
So all she can do is stare back at his big brown eyes and smile
Secretly inside...

MMR2015

Sunday, March 15, 2015

2am

Can't think of a better title at the moment, tho I like posting it like this. It's raw, at par with my momentary emotions instead of how I would want people to see me as instead. Anyway this post isn't about how I name my posts (later on you'll learn the reason for the title though). This is really about how I appreciate and value Helen and Butch's trust on me as their only middle child. To give you guys a bit of a background/context as to how things run in our family, let me start by telling you that at 23 years old, with a stable job I still live with my parents ergo they still feed me, pay for most of the bills and takes care of me--basically. Here in the Philippines such a situation isn't taboo but is very much a huge reality. That is not to say that I don't help out with the expenses (pa disclaimer lang po haha).
I would want to move out someday but right now I still very much enjoy the TLC, joy and emotional stability that my parents are able to extend to me and my siblings.

Yesterday, at 2:14 in the morning I was en route to gahd knows where with people I am not close with at all. I didn't exactly know where we were heading to yet that feeling of a mixture of anxiety and excitement appealed to me very much and I thought to myself how very fortunate I am. I was raised by my parents to make strong decisions for myself and believe in them. I am aware though that from the situation that I'm presenting you right now it doesn't seem like I made the wisest choice. I was merely trying to make you understand the emotions going through me then while we're speeding through Highway 54, whilst  the street lights reflects and dims on my face. I contemplated how very blessed I am for I was allowed to make decisions on my own. How lucky I am that I wasn't dictated to do this and that because they don't trust my judgement. How blessed I am to be I allowed to go out whenever I want, go to places, book a flight on my own, went and climb a mountain without me begging them to allow me. I am very happy to be able to experience all this because they trust me. I can only hope that I can also pass along such trust, leniency to my children. When the time comes, these "2am"moments are the ones that I'd get back to and maybe base my decisions on.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

skins






M: So why do I see a… glorious fucking head-fuck thing
F: Who are you? Don’t…
M: See you around. Remember to aim straight for the heart, next time.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

momentary bliss


A post by my friend Lya: I had to simply share it because I felt like she captured it for me. Writing the thoughts I've been itching to write.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

read it and weep. I know I did.


The article had good solid points that when I've come to think of is actually true. You see for quite a long time now I've been feeling like a loser. I feel like whatever I do it's just not enough to satisfy myself. I may get high from my travels or accomplishments but those are just momentary, temporary high and not long lasting.

My parents don't make me feel like shit. They've been really patient with me, letting me enjoy my money. But I know that they don't like my job neither do my siblings and if I am being totally honest here, neither do I. That might be all the bitterness is coming from but on the otherhand my bitchy brain cannot decide what it wants to do either. I feel like I am capable of so much more or to deliver it more correctly this is not what suits me but I don't know the alternative or that I don't trust myself/ my talents so I am choosing the easy way out. And this is where I'm fucking stuck. And this, I have to figure out.


For the past year I've gone 360° from being an extrovert: I've learned to enjoy the company of a few when going out. I've learned to keep my true feelings and some opinions to myself. While some, if not all, have this person they've constantly been messaging, I have learned to get used to not having one.
I've gone from being at ease on texting my friend/s with my thoughts to writing it down or Tweeting/ posting it to my Facebook wall with hopes of someone noticing because whenever I message them they never replied anyway. I've learned to be second option for my best friends to talk to or be with because they've got their boyfriends/flings as first options to begin with. Or some are in deep shit themselves they've got their shit to focus on about.

With all those hugot being said I've learned my value, I know that I am deserving of so much more. I've learned that it's all not my fault, it's just that some people are comfortable of treating others that way. I've learned to enjoy myself though half the time I still feel scared. I've learned to control my emotions, lower my expectations and live with these everyday realities that are very much a part of my life. And life? Well it goes on...

OST of my life since foreverrr


or this



Sunday, February 1, 2015

Most MEMORABLE gym experience ever

Before anything else let me help you visualize what my gym looks like we have two rooms separated by the foyer. We call the other one "Cardio Room" because it houses the bikes, threads and eliptical machines. The other room is a lot bigger, it's the actual gym which has a free middle area for floor exercises. surrounded by the machines in a rectangular set up. To the far left is where all the hardcore weights are. It's mostly populated by the guys. I was hanging around that place doing squats when I noticed a very old lady doing bench press at the middle of that area. She was wearing a racer back top which somehow appears to be backside front or baliktad because the racerback backside of the sando is showing at the front Peculiar, I thought to myself but then she had bra straps in red and I can smell her strong perfume from all the way where I was (which is a few yards away from her) sa isip isip ko ano ba 'to parang nagmumurang kamatis because when I say she looks old I mean 70 something kind of old. I was scrutinizing her outfit from the mirror which we are now both facing when suddenly while I was resting after doing my 45 set squat She approach me! Imagine my horror my goodness! Akala ko papagalitan niya ako dahil sa panggagago ko sa kanya sa salamin. But you know what totally blew me away? Yun ay yung mga salitang lumabas sa bibig niya She said "You know you remind me of myself when I was young. Ganyan ganyan din ako, mataba din ako tanong mo si RC... (referring to my trainer) nung 60 ako ang taba taba ko and look at me now. Do you know how old I am? I'm 86 years old..." And in my mind I was like 86?? 80 FUCKING 6?????? "kaya mo yan, bata ka pa naman" Tapos seryoso gusto ko ng maiyak dun sa kinatatayuan ko. I think I cried a bit sa locker *joke hindi*.  I thanked her and we went back to our workouts but I did say goodbye before leaving

There I was Fashion Pulising her outfit, being all high and mighty and I was dragged down to earth. Sobrang parang na Anderson Silva yung experience ko na sa sobrang kayabangan ko talaga naturuan ako ng leksyon. I am awed by this experience and I am awed by her. I thank God for sending her to me. I have learned my lesson. Also I never saw her again :(

2015 Life Goals

I've narrowed down a list of things that I think I need to work out on myself this year, rather than a resolution I think I'll be calling this 2015 Life Goals:

1. Watch as many fcuking movies as I can, especially the really famous ones para hindi na ako mukhang tanga lagi whenever my friends makes a movie reference in our conversations.

2. Continue my addiction with NatGeo, Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, TLC kasi madaming matutunan at sa totoo lang yun lang yung malinaw na channel sa cable namin bukod sa Disney.

3. Learn to play the guitar. I was trying to learn before but I've stopped the second I got a callus but now there's no stopping me.

4. Learn how to save money. Medyo nakakahiya na sa edad kong 23 may isang taon na ako sa trabaho pero wala pa akong ipon kahit piso. EEW

5. Learn how to drive because ... well I wan't to.

6. Stop being shy and be more vocal.

7. Smile more kapag magisa nalang ako, yung mga leggit na tagos sa puso kasi kahit tawa ako ng tawa or nangiti ako sa office iba pag magisa nalang ako.

... wala pa akong maisip na pang 8,9,10

Awake




I stare at you then look away
Like you were there but I don't care
Cause
You bore a hole into my soul
I think of you, that's all I know

I slick and slap and twist and tap
Watching the clock go tick and tock
Cause
I wallow in when you're not here
But when you're near, I cant think clear

You stare so deep I fear you see
How much I yearn, How much I heed
Your fingers interlacing mine
To kiss your lips that's so divine

Awake, I dream of you and me.
Awake, is when the truth be told:
A dream is just a dream is just a dream
An illusion: that's nothing real.

--MMR 2015



Distraction

You were a mere distraction to my endless complication. Nothing serious. But tell you what: that mere distraction to be frank, is what keeps me alive.

It keeps my fire burning when all is dark.

So yeah, nothing serious. Really.



--MMR2015

Plight

I've stopped dreaming of mending things that will never be unbroken.
Expectations vs reality,
I have to stop living in a dream.
I've already lost hope.
Perpetual nights of heartaches.

A thousand times I said this is not my fault
but I know deep down inside (though I'll never admit it)
I had a huge part in this.


If I were braver,
I would have commended myself
but I do not have wings
I couldn't fly.
I accepted defeat and very much embracing it.


And this is me now,


somehow all of my dreams are of running away Maybe someday...
but constantly I'll dream of it,
wishing it,
wanting it




Running away...










--MMR

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Year End Review II

I have been through many low points this year and of course my forever internal battle with the monsters inside me that continuously but this going into the gym thing has really changed my life not because of the pounds I lost because honestly speaking I haven't shed many but what makes me so happy about it is that I have done something great for myself. I guess that's where all the high is coming from.

With all the challenges in work, with my friends and at home that I have to endure I realized how much I have changed and realized how much I didn't know myself. but more over I have learned and realized that I have more patience that I thought I have. I am more resilient than I thought I could ever be and nothing could make me even more proud of myself more than anything.

 My friend Justine and I were talking about how days may have passed without you realizing it did and some maybe remarkable and honestly those are the only days that I wish I regret happening because I could have at least made something meaningful or make it remarkable all else are in the past. But I am determined to make each of the remaining days memorable.

With that being said I am welcoming 2015 with open arms, with high hopes and courage.




Summer Skeletons

When all we knew wasn't stolen
There was nothing real to lose
When our heads were still simple
We'd sleep beneath the moon
You were something
That would always be around
When regrets were nowhere to be found
An open letter to my friend

Hi YellowPadBlaster, 


How are you? I wonder where you are? Were you able to get out of there and get your own place? Were you able to break free from that job you hate so much?


Remember when you used to tell me how your week went and who your weekly hunk was? Because I still remember how happy I am whenever I receive your message and hear your thoughts because that's the only time I hear you speak.


I miss sharing my sentiments, my serendipity moments with you.

Why haven't you returned my messages? Where did you go?


I don't care if you don't make it long I just need to know that you're still there, still breathing because last time...

You know how to reach me. I'm always here.


Mau

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

USED

a light for a cigarette
a butter for the bread
a burial for the dead
No I am not one of these

you need then you call
you ping then you pray
but you don't think of me
No I can no longer be

I'm used or abused
you know when you need
and only when you need
No I can no longer be

step out now, move away
hear no more, I cannot say

--MMR, 2015

Monday, January 5, 2015



I always have this yearning to paint whenever I see unbelievable works of art that takes my breath away: be it because of the way the brush was carefully stroked to provide edge, depth and texture to the image or be it caused sometimes by the muse and how the artist succeeded on soulfuly immortalizing them or sometimes it’s just the mere fact of having completed a painting and having signed their name like I never can. I get inspired by these people and their produce and their talent and I thought to myself ‘hey you can also do that, you can make a beautiful work of art and call it your own’ however when I finally am in face to face with a canvas with a brush in hand I find me not producing anything. I cannot put into canvas what I think I am capable of. It’s like someone had removed the air into my balloon and the ideas runs away from me and floats into the air. I am finding me lost, unknowledgeable and uncapable. I am heartbroken because I so badly want to do it. Sa art o sa painting naniniwala ako na walang panget at walang maganda; beauty is always in the eye of the beholder when it comes to art.




Am I looking for my inspiration at all the wrong places? I don’t know. I don’t know how to solve this. I don’t know. I don’t know.