October blues

CRUSH or CURSE

you see
you stare
you get delighted

you wait and wait
and then you fake it

you smile
you speak
and then you stutter

you hope but nope
there are no chances

you think
you daze
you keep on hoping

-MMR

Life Lessons learned this week

Some things are best left to chance.

That thought above is what pretty much highlights what the universe is pretty much trying to teach me over and over and over again last week. See I've been eyeing somebody in the office lately and I have started to take matters into my own hands. I started timing my break schedules with his arrival or break scheds whereas before the both of us just always find ourselves locking eyes and the hint of surprise and whatever else his eyes seems to be telling me is there. Ever since I made an effort to increase the possibility of those moments to happen the more it backfired on me as I keep on getting misses; like if I had stayed 3 minutes more we would have been on the same elevator ride or something of that scene. Much to my dismay and disappointment and after a couple more hits and misses here and there I've decided to stop. I've decided to stay out of his way and stop eyefucking him so that he can stop fcuking the wits out of me with that mischievous smile. It's also a good thing that we would be switching to the opposite side of the floor on Monday so really I'd lost all the chances that I could have possibly have next week. and besides it's not like something can come up from this I mean come on look at me and then look at me some more. :)

If you would like change to happen, you can make change happen.

I've been on the bad awkward side of the situation whenever I am with my barkada due to some factors that cannot be determined properly and cannot be avoided but had to be lived by and accepted. I had just one day decided to make this comfortable for the both of us by making him feel and realize that I am a friend and there's nothing to act shit about. Project: trying to remove the awkwardness one moment at a time.

When they won't listen to you, it shouldn't mean you wouldn't to them.

I've been on a bad situation lately with my mom and I've asked my friend not to jump into the #pushMaureentomisery bandwagon. That person's been having issues
about things that person shouldn't be worrying about and  insists on talking about it despite me asking to let it go for the time beimg. So there I was dong my best to understand and be annoyed and separate his/her issues from those at home though I feel like my heart can't take it anymore. Endgame? We were able to fix whatever differences and misunderstanding that he/she's been having towards me and my actions =HAPPY FRIDAY


There's always something new to learn about everyday. 

90

 

1. What was the highlight of your week?
my suspension from work aaah the beauty of REST from stress 

2. Whose car were you in last?
does the cab count?

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
later

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
vyolet

5. How long is your hair?
short

6. Are you good looking?
occasionally speaking yes

7. Last movie you watched?
Silver Linings Playbook - it was okay

8. Who were you with?
alone as always

9. Last thing you ate?
pringles jalapeno

10. Last thing you drank?
nestea honey blend--I'm hooked

11. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
oh

12. Who came over last?
and invaded my bed? Jedjed

13. Are you happy right now?
meh

14. What did you say last?
kunin mo na yung bata hindi ako makatulog

15. Where is your phone?
with her

16. What color are your eyes?
brown

17. Are you left-handed?
nah

18. Spell your name without vowels:
mrn

19. Do you have any pets?
none at the moment

20. Favorite Vacation?
Baguio maybe

21. What do you dislike currently?
her face her soul her entire being

22. What are you listening to?
Mr Hudson--Supernova

23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
chickenjoy?

24. What is your favorite scent?
yours

25. Who makes you happiest?
family maybe

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
putting my nephew to bed

27. When is your birthday?
January 17

28. Who has the same phone as you?
eh?

29. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
cant recall

30. Do you read your horoscope?
barely

31. Where was the last place you bought something?
7eleven

32. How do you feel about your hair right now?
thoroughly disgusted

33. Do you bite your nails?
nah kadiri

34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
no

36. Myspace or facebook?
is this even a question?

37. How fast have you driven a car?
fast enough for my dad to jam the gear into Neutral

38. Have you ever smoked?
what exactly are we talking about here? cause I need precision before I answer

39. What was or is your favorite subject in school?
History and Social Science

40. Do you have Verizon?
nope

41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for?
them bright eyes kind

42. Do you have any hidden talents?
people don't know that I can sing while sleeping, does that count?

43. Favorite Song?
if favorite you mean most played on my itunes then it's Whatever Happened by the Strokes

44. Do you like to sing at all?
duh?

45. Dream Job?
something that entails me to see the world out there.

46. Where does most of your family live?
Philippines

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
I have an older and a younger sister

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
nope

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
my tummy aches I gotta fart this up!

50. Do you drink?
water? yes.

51. Know any other languages?
a bit of bonne nuit there and a bit of ta jia hao here

52. Ever write a coded message?
yes when I was a grader there was this letters that we thought we device only to find out when I got older and knew better that half the english speaking world knows those alphabet.

53. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
what do you mean?

54. Do you have any children?
If my stuff toy shark and unicorns can be classified as children then yes

55. Did you take a nap today?
I just woke up at 2om

56. Who has the same birthday as you?
never met anyone

57. Ever met anyone famous before?
yes

58. Do you want to be famous one day?
nah that would mean losing my privacy to post disgusting things and i love doing that

59. Any Pet Peeves?
none that i could think of right now

60. Are you multitasking right now?
if you count my perseverance to finish this before I run for food as while trying my best not to be so sarcastic for this survey as multitasking then yes I am

61. Do you like Britany Spears?
the question is who is she?

62. What is your least favorite chore?
washing the dishes

63. Last place you drove your car?
if I had any

64. Ever been out of the country?
I wish I hope I will

65. Where were you born?
PGH

66. Could you handle being in the military?
nah

67. What is your average cell phone bill?
average lang.

68. Who are you thinking about right now?
myself, my tummy FOOD

69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard?
two nights ago with RA

70. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
not so much

71. Are your toes always painted?
most of the time

72. How many piercings do you have?
two. my attempts to have more left me with scars and.. infections

73. What are you doing today?
laundry and bed

74. Have you ever been gambling?
haha in college where we were left to our personal destruction we let ourselves loose gambling at Taft--Saturdays are card sharking days ;)

75. When is the last time you updated your page?
what

76. Do you like rollercoasters?
so-so

77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world?
theres none in Phili

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
Candace or Doofenshmirtz maybe

79. Last thing you cooked?
omelette

80. How’s the weather?
it's about to rain in a few s it's humid

81. Do you e-mail?
barely

82. What’s the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
soaked it on alcohol

83. Last time you were sick?
a few months back

84. What states have you lived in?
uhm

85. Do you wish you could move?
move out? Yes I want a beach front at Azure.

87. What is your dream car?
I'd love to have an Enzo

88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have?
why do you ask? YUNG TOTOO.

89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?
at the beach on the recliner under a huge coconut tree for the shade

90. Are you happy with your life?
I'm getting there.

I've been stalking this person whose need for solitude matches mine and whose loneliness I understand in so many levels and dont. I am weirdly attracted to the thoughts that person puts up on the internet for the sole reason that is unknown to me, thus I came to think of how I am  highly amazed at the people who can put their most personal thoughts and views unto their blog and brandish it for the world to see, as if they're not afraid of the criticism/judgement that would come alongside that self imposed vulnerability case they placed themselves into. I mean personally I like to write about all this stuff that I have in my head cause I feel like if I dont then all hell will break loose inside of me but to let people get to know me by knowing my deepest thoughts might take some more time and courage for me to do.  

4am

it's 4 am , you look out your window and everything is perfectly still: no jeepneys honking around, no children running on the street , no drunkard swaying there way to wherever their turf is and you just get to be amaze by how everything is perfectly still and quiet and you go back to your thoughts, perplex and then you ask yourself; what the fuck am I doing with my life ergo staring at the sleeping street at 4 am.

I dont wanna remember but I dont wanna forget

For twice in a row this year I've experienced death and in my 22 years of existence this is the first time that I get to deal with it on an immediate family level and feel of things.

Just a week ago I bid my uncle goodbye. The initial shock came to me when I was on my way up until the time I arrived at the office and I was being updated by my cousin from Baguio about his condition. I was working when I learned of his condition and hyperventilated a little bit at work then afterwards I had to go home as my headache is too much to bear.

Took a leave from work and went home to pay our respect. Of course everybody is sad about it but we've learned to accept easily that life is a bitch really one day you're here the next day you're gone. Even my cousin whom my sisters and I are very close to was able to accept it and I'm happy about that because that's one thing dealt with and she can now move forward to adjusting to him being gone.

As I've mentioned on my instagram post he's the last familiar face and family member I'll see before heading back to Manila because he'll make it a point to send us away. I'll miss his smiling face and witty compliments but what I'll miss most is his humor. One of the funniest person you'll ever meet.

On that parting day I've witnessed what is one of the most silent burial in my life. Nobody was howling instead everybody was just shedding silent tears and reciting prayers. Peaceful.

That day I've also fulfilled one of the hardest favors ever asked of me. I was asked to document that day. I was left i-charge of the camera after the mass on the way to the cemetery. I don't know how I could explain here how I'm feeling at that moment cause I look and I see, I feel and I hear but I don't want to.

It was a sea of grim faces especially those of your friends and family and having to capture that was... It's like I wanna throw away the camera. Having to see my lola through the lens crying, for suffering yet again burying one of her own offspring has no similar kind of kurot sa puso. Trully, nothing I can compare to.

The next day my family did the most bizarre thing; we partied! We shared a feast, drank and made merry. At first I thought why are doing this? If other people were to see us they would probably think were insane for partying the day after we've lost a loved one but I was able to understand why. It's us coping and it's not something I could really explain here (but I shall try). It's that Berting in us that we were trying to embody. He is not one to sulk and focus on negativity, sadness. Up until his final hours he was still joking around when he can barely speak and move and was being consumed by too much pain, because that's the only way he knows how. And as I've mentioned above we've already accepted it. He's in a kinder place now.


The first to go this year is my lola: mama's aunt. She's too jolly and too active for herself with a great memory and a bunch of stories to tell whenever we visit. She's one of the most generous people I've ever had the great opportunity to meet. Too passionate and hardworking she was able to champion her children despite everything life threw at her. She too is at a better place now.


One thing I like about all this is that at least now I've experienced it. I now know how it feels so I now know how to empathize on situations like this with others.

Another lesson learned? You cannot take a photo while you're crying. I kinda find it funny how I was crying but had to stop because I cannot see through the lens clearly when I do. hahaha

And life goes on.

canvas

I received a canvas and a few brushes for Christmas and it's still lying here under my desk. I honestly would love to fill it up with all the striking colors with a beautiful theme and just have fun but I cant. Reason? I'm scared! My insecurity is hindering me from going for it. It's a known fact that drawing has never been a talent I've possessed and it's the foundation of a good painting or at least that's how I see it. One other reason is I haven't found a theme that I can paint about. I was suppose to get inspiration from a trip that didn't happen so I was not able to push through. Right now I'm still waiting and will begin searching for that inspiration so that I can start that dream of mine.


I've been practicing with digital painting for the mean time and here are some of them

waiting for the sun to shine

“Knowing sleep will set it right--

if you were not to wake.” 

― Lang Leav, Love & Misadventure

the Afghan Girl

Chrysler Building

The first three corresponds very personal meaning to me while the last two: the Afghan Girl and Chrysler building had been, for some time, my momentary obsession and forever fascination.