forever alone lvl Maureen

picture this: You are in the middle of the cinema watching a love story with everybody around you are literally in each others' arms... what would you do?

for the 8000th time in my life I am going through this ordeal and damn do I never ever learn to avoid it. I keep on beating myself up after but never learned to digress. I was forced to freeze there and shake on my own because that damn cinema is really too cold for comfort whilst it brought out many feels when I realized that I am literally and figuratively in the middle of that situation. Being single since literally my entire life has had it's up and down. Often the questions/ judgement thrown at me are "siguro pihikan ka?" "mataas siguro standards mo?" situations at which I only return a smile at them because I am fucking tired of answering shitty questions like that because I know that I do not owe anyone an explanation. On the brighter side of things I handle my own time, I can go here and there without having to worry about anyone's approval but myself and my parents(which doesn't really weigh much anymore since they practically allow me to do anything anyway).

Last week I've randomly discussed with my best friend AJ at how I might come of as intimidating at times that's why I am still single. And so I wonder how I could change that but then naisip ko if I like the person I am meeting for the first time kahit sino pa yan I make sure that I make them feel comfortable around me, that they are welcome to talk to me and possibly be my friend. My friend replied with a message that goes like this 'you are you. fuck them you don't have to change yourself for someone to like you' -- and you know what? I actually believe that.
I am always striving to be the best person I can be. I am at all times striving to be honest, trustworthy, kind loyal and honest as I can be, promise I really am.

I have been changing myself,  I have been trying my best to be active, whereas before when I used to not have plans and spend my weekdays lazing around my bed. Now I don't even have vacant weeks to spend with some of my friends. I have been exercising, investing time and money on my health. I have plans to run a marathon, buy a bike, improve my gym equipment at home. I have been improving on my craft, I have been practicing my painting, my drawing, my photography and even my ad designing capabilities.

I have been trying to improve at work, applying for promotion and stuff.

I used to love wallowing around my misery now I have trained my mind to think about how my day has been and how good the Lord is for blessing me with strength to do everything I want. I have plans to go canyoneering in Cebu in September, climb another mountain in March, go to the beach in April and all of which is for my betterment.

I mean come on! WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??

right?

I wouldn't deny being on the other side of the mob for once. I wouldn't mind being double :P sana I'll get luckier this 2015 :D

the Blackboard and the Pencil

Yesterday the blackboard caught the Mongol pencil turning to take a good look at her.
Today the blackboard looked so hard for the Mongol pencil but he turned grey.
The blackboard wanted so much to be closed with the pencil but she knew that it's never possible
For scratching the board with led will make a eerie screeching sound that's hard for everyone's' ear.
So all she can do is stare back at his big brown eyes and smile
Secretly inside...

MMR2015

2am

Can't think of a better title at the moment, tho I like posting it like this. It's raw, at par with my momentary emotions instead of how I would want people to see me as instead. Anyway this post isn't about how I name my posts (later on you'll learn the reason for the title though). This is really about how I appreciate and value Helen and Butch's trust on me as their only middle child. To give you guys a bit of a background/context as to how things run in our family, let me start by telling you that at 23 years old, with a stable job I still live with my parents ergo they still feed me, pay for most of the bills and takes care of me--basically. Here in the Philippines such a situation isn't taboo but is very much a huge reality. That is not to say that I don't help out with the expenses (pa disclaimer lang po haha).
I would want to move out someday but right now I still very much enjoy the TLC, joy and emotional stability that my parents are able to extend to me and my siblings.

Yesterday, at 2:14 in the morning I was en route to gahd knows where with people I am not close with at all. I didn't exactly know where we were heading to yet that feeling of a mixture of anxiety and excitement appealed to me very much and I thought to myself how very fortunate I am. I was raised by my parents to make strong decisions for myself and believe in them. I am aware though that from the situation that I'm presenting you right now it doesn't seem like I made the wisest choice. I was merely trying to make you understand the emotions going through me then while we're speeding through Highway 54, whilst  the street lights reflects and dims on my face. I contemplated how very blessed I am for I was allowed to make decisions on my own. How lucky I am that I wasn't dictated to do this and that because they don't trust my judgement. How blessed I am to be I allowed to go out whenever I want, go to places, book a flight on my own, went and climb a mountain without me begging them to allow me. I am very happy to be able to experience all this because they trust me. I can only hope that I can also pass along such trust, leniency to my children. When the time comes, these "2am"moments are the ones that I'd get back to and maybe base my decisions on.

skins

M: So why do I see a… glorious fucking head-fuck thing
F: Who are you? Don’t…
M: See you around. Remember to aim straight for the heart, next time.

momentary bliss

A post by my friend Lya: I had to simply share it because I felt like she captured it for me. Writing the thoughts I've been itching to write.

read it and weep. I know I did.

this seriously made me cry

The article had good solid points that when I've come to think of is actually true. You see for quite a long time now I've been feeling like a loser. I feel like whatever I do it's just not enough to satisfy myself. I may get high from my travels or accomplishments but those are just momentary, temporary high and not long lasting.

My parents don't make me feel like shit. They've been really patient with me, letting me enjoy my money. But I know that they don't like my job neither do my siblings and if I am being totally honest here, neither do I. That might be all the bitterness is coming from but on the otherhand my bitchy brain cannot decide what it wants to do either. I feel like I am capable of so much more or to deliver it more correctly this is not what suits me but I don't know the alternative or that I don't trust myself/ my talents so I am choosing the easy way out. And this is where I'm fucking stuck. And this, I have to figure out.

For the past year I've gone 360° from being an extrovert: I've learned to enjoy the company of a few when going out. I've learned to keep my true feelings and some opinions to myself. While some, if not all, have this person they've constantly been messaging, I have learned to get used to not having one.

I've gone from being at ease on texting my friend/s with my thoughts to writing it down or Tweeting/ posting it to my Facebook wall with hopes of someone noticing because whenever I message them they never replied anyway. I've learned to be second option for my best friends to talk to or be with because they've got their boyfriends/flings as first options to begin with. Or some are in deep shit themselves they've got their shit to focus on about.

With all those hugot being said I've learned my value, I know that I am deserving of so much more. I've learned that it's all not my fault, it's just that some people are comfortable of treating others that way. I've learned to enjoy myself though half the time I still feel scared. I've learned to control my emotions, lower my expectations and live with these everyday realities that are very much a part of my life. And life? Well it goes on...

OST of my life since foreverrr

or this