skins

M: So why do I see a… glorious fucking head-fuck thing
F: Who are you? Don’t…
M: See you around. Remember to aim straight for the heart, next time.

momentary bliss

A post by my friend Lya: I had to simply share it because I felt like she captured it for me. Writing the thoughts I've been itching to write.

read it and weep. I know I did.

this seriously made me cry

The article had good solid points that when I've come to think of is actually true. You see for quite a long time now I've been feeling like a loser. I feel like whatever I do it's just not enough to satisfy myself. I may get high from my travels or accomplishments but those are just momentary, temporary high and not long lasting.

My parents don't make me feel like shit. They've been really patient with me, letting me enjoy my money. But I know that they don't like my job neither do my siblings and if I am being totally honest here, neither do I. That might be all the bitterness is coming from but on the otherhand my bitchy brain cannot decide what it wants to do either. I feel like I am capable of so much more or to deliver it more correctly this is not what suits me but I don't know the alternative or that I don't trust myself/ my talents so I am choosing the easy way out. And this is where I'm fucking stuck. And this, I have to figure out.

For the past year I've gone 360° from being an extrovert: I've learned to enjoy the company of a few when going out. I've learned to keep my true feelings and some opinions to myself. While some, if not all, have this person they've constantly been messaging, I have learned to get used to not having one.

I've gone from being at ease on texting my friend/s with my thoughts to writing it down or Tweeting/ posting it to my Facebook wall with hopes of someone noticing because whenever I message them they never replied anyway. I've learned to be second option for my best friends to talk to or be with because they've got their boyfriends/flings as first options to begin with. Or some are in deep shit themselves they've got their shit to focus on about.

With all those hugot being said I've learned my value, I know that I am deserving of so much more. I've learned that it's all not my fault, it's just that some people are comfortable of treating others that way. I've learned to enjoy myself though half the time I still feel scared. I've learned to control my emotions, lower my expectations and live with these everyday realities that are very much a part of my life. And life? Well it goes on...

OST of my life since foreverrr

or this

Most MEMORABLE gym experience ever

Before anything else let me help you visualize what my gym looks like we have two rooms separated by the foyer. We call the other one "Cardio Room" because it houses the bikes, threads and eliptical machines. The other room is a lot bigger, it's the actual gym which has a free middle area for floor exercises. surrounded by the machines in a rectangular set up. To the far left is where all the hardcore weights are. It's mostly populated by the guys. I was hanging around that place doing squats when I noticed a very old lady doing bench press at the middle of that area. She was wearing a racer back top which somehow appears to be backside front or baliktad because the racerback backside of the sando is showing at the front Peculiar, I thought to myself but then she had bra straps in red and I can smell her strong perfume from all the way where I was (which is a few yards away from her) sa isip isip ko ano ba 'to parang nagmumurang kamatis because when I say she looks old I mean 70 something kind of old. I was scrutinizing her outfit from the mirror which we are now both facing when suddenly while I was resting after doing my 45 set squat She approach me! Imagine my horror my goodness! Akala ko papagalitan niya ako dahil sa panggagago ko sa kanya sa salamin. But you know what totally blew me away? Yun ay yung mga salitang lumabas sa bibig niya She said "You know you remind me of myself when I was young. Ganyan ganyan din ako, mataba din ako tanong mo si RC... (referring to my trainer) nung 60 ako ang taba taba ko and look at me now. Do you know how old I am? I'm 86 years old..." And in my mind I was like 86?? 80 FUCKING 6?????? "kaya mo yan, bata ka pa naman" Tapos seryoso gusto ko ng maiyak dun sa kinatatayuan ko. I think I cried a bit sa locker *joke hindi*.  I thanked her and we went back to our workouts but I did say goodbye before leaving

There I was Fashion Pulising her outfit, being all high and mighty and I was dragged down to earth. Sobrang parang na Anderson Silva yung experience ko na sa sobrang kayabangan ko talaga naturuan ako ng leksyon. I am awed by this experience and I am awed by her. I thank God for sending her to me. I have learned my lesson. Also I never saw her again :(

2015 Life Goals

I've narrowed down a list of things that I think I need to work out on myself this year, rather than a resolution I think I'll be calling this 2015 Life Goals:

1. Watch as many fcuking movies as I can, especially the really famous ones para hindi na ako mukhang tanga lagi whenever my friends makes a movie reference in our conversations.

2. Continue my addiction with NatGeo, Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, TLC kasi madaming matutunan at sa totoo lang yun lang yung malinaw na channel sa cable namin bukod sa Disney.

3. Learn to play the guitar. I was trying to learn before but I've stopped the second I got a callus but now there's no stopping me.

4. Learn how to save money. Medyo nakakahiya na sa edad kong 23 may isang taon na ako sa trabaho pero wala pa akong ipon kahit piso. EEW

5. Learn how to drive because ... well I wan't to.

6. Stop being shy and be more vocal.

7. Smile more kapag magisa nalang ako, yung mga leggit na tagos sa puso kasi kahit tawa ako ng tawa or nangiti ako sa office iba pag magisa nalang ako.

... wala pa akong maisip na pang 8,9,10

Awake

I stare at you then look away
Like you were there but I don't care
Cause
You bore a hole into my soul
I think of you, that's all I know

I slick and slap and twist and tap
Watching the clock go tick and tock
Cause
I wallow in when you're not here
But when you're near, I cant think clear

You stare so deep I fear you see
How much I yearn, How much I heed
Your fingers interlacing mine
To kiss your lips that's so divine

Awake, I dream of you and me.
Awake, is when the truth be told:
A dream is just a dream is just a dream
An illusion: that's nothing real.

--MMR 2015

Distraction

You were a mere distraction to my endless complication. Nothing serious. But tell you what: that mere distraction to be frank, is what keeps me alive.

It keeps my fire burning when all is dark.

So yeah, nothing serious. Really.



--MMR2015

Plight

I've stopped dreaming of mending things that will never be unbroken.
Expectations vs reality,
I have to stop living in a dream.

I've already lost hope.
Perpetual nights of heartaches.

A thousand times I said this is not my fault
but I know deep down inside (though I'll never admit it)
I had a huge part in this.


If I were braver,
I would have commended myself

but I do not have wings
I couldn't fly.
I accepted defeat and very much embracing it.


And this is me now,

somehow all of my dreams are of running away Maybe someday...
but constantly I'll dream of it,
wishing it,
wanting it




Running away...










--MMR